A couple of weeks ago, Anne Helen Petersen wrote a blog post entitled The Friendship Dip. The blog itself is fascinating, but gets into the weeds of societal norms. I enjoyed it and, to incorporate a thought from one of my previous blogs, I am curious about a couple of angles that I will explore further at some point.
Overall, the blog has me taking stock in my friendships. I am in the process of moving from Oklahoma City to Houston, and I wonder what OKC friendships I will carry forward with me. I definitely believe that you need to cultivate friendships, that they don’t maintain themselves. But cultivating is a two-way street.
And to clarify, there are lots of people that I love dearly and would say that they are my friend. These are people that I would call or send a card if their parent died. I would donate to a ‘go-fund-me’ if they had cancer diagnosis. I would add a like-love-wow emoji on Facebook to celebrate a graduation, new job, wedding, or birth of a grandchild. But I do not know their day-to-day triumphs and hardships, and they do not know mine. For the sake of this exercise, a friend is someone I have talked and/or texted with in the last week.
I don’t currently hold dear any friendships from high school or college. After college, I lived in Charlotte for seven months. No holdover friends. I moved to Chicago for 14 months. No holdover friends. I moved to Tulsa for 18 months. No holdover friends … but I did find a husband. We moved to Seattle for 9 months. No friends, period. We moved to Chicago for almost 5 years. No holdover friends. We moved to Seattle for 10 years – and this is where things get interesting.
We were in Seattle for what I consider a crucial 10 years of life … the years where you live in a planned community, have all your babies, watch them start school and join sports teams. As parents, you arrange playdates, organize neighborhood barbeques, join the PTA, and coach sports teams. Your world is surrounded by friends, all the time.
And then you move to another state.
Our transition was somewhat unusual because we had barely unpacked our house when our middle child was diagnosed with leukemia. It is not an exaggeration to say that we had two resources: a relationship we developed with one family that fell into the ‘friend’ zone and one incredible neighbor. (Yes – I will note for the record that the MDA family was absolutely incredible during our entire cancer journey but on the day of diagnosis, I did not know that.) Cooper’s initial hospital stay was 60 days. We would not have made it through without a parade of help coming from Seattle. My close friends rotated through coming down a week at a time to help us. All the usual suspects volunteered – and even a few surprises wanted to help in that way. Those who didn’t come were connected in other ways – phone calls, emails, cards, meals, services, presents. And then as time passed, friendships faded. Today, there is only one friend with whom I connect with on a weekly basis.
Despite the slow start in Tucson, we made a wide circle of friends during our 9 years there. Each of our three kids opened up an avenue for connection to other families through school, activities, and church. The MDA family became a big part of our lives. And even my little part-time job in the later years produced some treasured relationships.
And then we moved to another state.
There was no bump this time. Grayson was already in college. Cooper was starting his freshman year of college. And Delaney was starting high school. Brad and I each had good jobs. There was no true need for holdover friendships from Tucson. In reality, only one has survived.
While in OKC, we have connected well both personally and professionally. I think about who I would call today (knowing that Brad is in Houston) if my car broke down on the side of the road, and there are at least a dozen people that come to mind. I have some really good friends here … just like I had some really good friends in Seattle and some really good friends in Tucson. I wonder what OKC friendships will remain after I move. Will the knowledge of the impact the past two moves had on my friendships prepare me to cultivate these OKC connections differently?
Patch405 